Who Am I?
First and foremost, je suis une fille en feu. I am a girl on fire; always have been, always will be. No, scratch that; I am a woman on fire. An eternal flame, a ball of passion, a compilation of space and matter and particles that matter. I matter. I matter and I have a purpose. First and foremost and perpetually, je suis une fille en feu avec une raison d’être. Toujours.
Secondement, je suis une conteuse éclatant. An artist; a master of colours, emotions, space and time. I tell stories and tales and fables, and I do it all with a blank canvas and a brush. I am a marvel; an artistic powerhouse that must be leveraged. I have the potential to immortalise my name in the sands of time, and I will do so. Why do I create? I do it for myself; for my talent, for my ego, for my own sanity. I also do it for the attention, and that is okay. That silky, smooth feeling of pride and self-satisfaction runs through my veins and puddles in my mouth every time I watch another individual marvel at what I accomplish with a paintbrush. It’s a given. It’s also a confirmation. A confirmation of my prowess, power and talent that need-not be necessary, but is present nonetheless. It is my addiction, and I am proud of that. This drug - a beautiful, yet toxic relationship that I will be nothing and empty without - is exactly what will keep me going to the ends of time. This belly-dropping, heart-wrenching hunger will remain in the pits of my stomach and the depths of my heart until the day I leave this wretched earth, and I love that.
Troisièmement, je suis en colère. Infiniment. It’s what keeps me going. This anger, this passion, this flame in the bottom of my belly is what gets me up in the morning. It’s what pushes me quand la paresse stuffs its way down my throat and holds me prisoner. Not to be too corny, but it is this anger, this tigress nature that keeps me going, because who the fuck dares think they are better than me? I haven’t explained particularly well but you get what I mean. What am I angry about? I am angry about women’s rights, across the world but especially in Africa. I am angry that there are social boundaries, limits and quantifications of my femininity that keep me from being and exploring the person I want to be. I am angry that from the day of my birth, I have been held accountable for the eternal sin of being woman; that I constantly have to be grateful, thankful, stupefied by the fortune of my condition; that women are constantly persecuted for being just that: women. I am angry that I am enduring a lifelong trial of femininity and ‘appropriateness’. I want to shave my head; I want to be into makeup; I want to sit with my legs wide open; I want to not feel the need to defend my desire for liberation and equality; I want to no longer compromise my value system and beliefs in order to find a ‘man’. I want to fuck being likeableand I want to do everything for and by myself. I want every step I take to be in my own name and to be for my sake - not for the sake of marriage, likability, achievements, the opinions of others or social expectations. I am angry because, for whatever reasons, I am not yet unapologetically me.
Lest we forget, je suis une égocentrique. I am constantly intrigued and entangled within my own mind and feelings. Most times, I don’t care about anything else. I care about me, but not in the way in which you’d expect, not in a self-loving way. More in an unrequited, soul-wrenching love sort of way. Everything I do has to do with me, my feelings, my desires and my reactions to the world outside me - as they should, non?
In the least obvious way ever, je suis une romantique indécrottable. Always have been, always will be. It is why, despite the constant state of anger and passion I am in, I love Kwenorkuor more than I can love myself. It is why I dream of having four little boys and my little Oephelia causing a ruckus around me. It is why my compassion sometimes overtakes my sense. It is why I dream of finding the other half of me, of finding the missing parts of myself in someone else and of having sex till the day I die. Actually, the last option may just be me being horny.
Lastly, and most importantly, I am a person qui ne comprende pas encore elle-même. I have so much more to learn about myself, who I am and my place in the world.
What Do I Want?
I want to be brilliant. I want to bellow from the bottom of my lungs and feel the grounds of the earth quiver in its wake. I want to lay down and make angels in the sands of time; as every other selfish and conceited human being, I want to be immortalised. I want to make a difference in this world; I want to see a change in women’s and black rights across the 195 nations that span this earth. I want to be sexy, to be gifted, to be generous, to be beautiful, to be powerful, to be happy, to be phenomenal. I want to feel the power of self-belief coursing through my veins. I want to run around naked; to be liberated. Yes. I want TO BE LIBERATED - from my self-made chains, from the chains in which society and culture have placed me, from the chains of belief and the chains of responsibility. I want to be ALIVE, not just living. Not simply existing. I want to feel every molecule of oxygen enter my lungs; to taste every modicum of flavour each time something enters my mouth; to view every inch of my surroundings in overwhelming and astounding HD. I want to be CONTENT, yet ALWAYS DRIVEN. I want to love art, and to truly believe I have the right to take part in it. I want to be organised; to never lose my spontaneity and acute impulsiveness but to also have my life together.I want to be in love; I want to crave the touch, the taste, the presence of a non-faceless being, and to cherish the vulnerability that comes with such a task. I want to be expressive; to be loving; to be affectionate, yet badass. I want to believe in my genius, and to once again see the boundless future and blessings in store for me. I want money, yes. I want to be FREED FROM THE CHAINS OF SELF-DOUBT. I want happiness. I want generosity and compassion. I want a thirst for life again; a thirst for life and a thirst for knowledge. I want a never-ending abhorrence of complacency and to once again live a life dominated by ambition. I want to figure out where I stand with God, and to finally have a functional relationship with him. I want to live a life of passion, ambition, desire; I never again want to feel like a waste of space. I want to take every step in life with all that I have in me, and to hold compassion for the race, my family and myself.
I want to live.